I'm finally back again. I've been super busy, running after a toddler, watching 'Game of Thrones' (its totally awesome), giving recieving and reading adviceand chatter on FB breastfeeding support pages, 'making babies' with Mr.Goose (also awesome, lol), and obsessing as to whether or not I'm pregnant.
I've taken about 5 tests in one month. Before TTC i took a pregnancy test just incase we'd already concieved, NEGATIVE. I took ovultain tests for a week. NEGATIVE. Ive given up ovulation tests. After my last post about Cervial Mucus, we carried on trying and at 10days I did a pregnancy test, NEGATIVE. Not only was it negative, but after I finished peeing on the stick and 'wiped' I found blood! I was so dissapointed! gutted, wasted preagnancy test and no baby :(
Later that day tho, I'd had no more bleeding, just a small amount of brownish discharge. So I went straight on google and found that it could be a symptom of ovulation! Took test, NEGATIVE. It could be pregnancy? NEGATIVE. Its also a symptom of Implantation! waited a week, test NEGATIVE. Later in the week I felt a bit sick in the evenings and very tired, could be ovultaion..... NEGATIVE. Could be pregnancy? I was all out of tests, I went to the family planning clinic who had me in last monday, NEGATIVE. The women told me that it was still possible to be pregnant from when i had CM, but still too early to tell (dispite what First Response would have me believe) I asked if I could come back next week? she said I could come back every 3 weeks. I decided then that I would take NO MORE TESTS until my appointment, might as well wait and have them for free right?
Since Wednesday I've had aches in my adnomen, much like period aches.. especially when nursing Gosling... and when I concieved her I had achey pains for a week before taking a test, and it was POSITIVE!!!
SO Ive now decided to take a test on sunday. I know its sad, but I'm no good at waiting! fingers toes, legs and every thing else crossed that its positive before i go crazy or bankrupt us!
sorry for spelling I'm rushed and the spell check won't work!
Saturday 30 June 2012
Friday 22 June 2012
Goslings birth.
I'm Mummy Goose. I became a mother on the 29/8/10 when my awesome lil Gosling was born, here's my jumble of a birth story.
I wrote this originally just 2 months after the Birth, I hadn't spoken to anyone about how I really felt about it so it's a bit of an emotional rant, i will try to amend some bits though so hopefully it'll make more sense.
October 25 2010:
Thinking about mine still makes me cry in private. My water broke at 4am, we rushed to hospital, waited ages then got sent home and told it could be 36hrs! Typical waste of time that would've been spent sleeping. When we got home my contractions started, 5 minutes between them, not painful really, more like period pains, unless i sat/laid down. So i had to stand up pacing, and my water came every time I had a contraction! I got through several towels before i phoned my mum at 9am and she suggested nappys. It wasn't much later when my Partner woke up and asked me about the contractions, 3 minutes apart still just period pains, but he insisted we go to the hospital. I was breathing and focusing through my contractions so all time was lost on me, I have no idea how long we were at home, or how long we had to wait at the hospital to be seen, before being told I was only 2cm. they wanted me to go home but by that point i couldn't sit at all, sitting would cause an instant contraction, which was 10x more painful then the others. i insisted we stay, i paced, leaned over chairs, did strange hip wiggles, the pain was manageable, I just couldn't sit down! I kept asking for a birthing ball but was told they were all in use so I'd have to wait, I told them I'd had blood and they said they'd come look, they didn't. and I kept asking to go in the pool but they said not till I'm 5cm, I kept asking to be check because I was sure I was further along, they just said to wait. I was getting fed up and angry but asked all this very nicely, and because of that they didn't believe I was in active labour. Apparently you only get listened to if your screaming and swearing with each contraction.
My mother arrived in early afternoon, and my partner stepped out , just in time! I'd been dancing in and out of the bathroom unable to decide if i was too hot or too cold, and 'clearing' my system (eewww) when she arrived I relaxed, and then puked. My mother told the nurses that I was going through transition, they asked her if she was a midwife and she said no, so they just left us to it. I'd had enough and went out to shout at them, i was beyond angry at how uncaring the staff was, when i got to the desk however, I bumped into the midwife who runs PYPP, the young parents pre-natal group I'd been going to! I was so happy to see her and told her I needed looking at and I was sure I was past 5 and could I please please please go in the pool! She was very polite and said she had 2 women further along she needed to check, but she would come see me and take over my care, yeay! She said while I was waiting I could use the gas and air, and get in the bath. I tried the gas and air while my mum filled the bath and my partner kept saying 'pecanchuuuu' offering me pecan nuts. which was totally not funny at the time! The gas an air made me feel dizzy, but the bath was great, i finally got to rest after all that time on my feet, and my contractions spaced out to 'small contraction' 5mins break 'BIG contraction' 3 mins break, 'small contracion' ect, till I told my mum I wanted to push! she ran out to the midwife and she came to check me, warning me that from what the nurses had told her, and how long I'd been there, that i was probably only 5, but that's good because then i can get in the pool. Turns out i was a little over 9cm.
I wanted a waterbirth so they told me to use gas an air to slow things down and rest while they filled the pool, I worked my own system of breathing only half gas an air every other contraction. Then I was finally allowed in the pool, finally getting the birth i wanted after being ignored for hours! i got comfy, felt relaxed in the water with the gas and air making me almost sleep between the contractions, my midwife told me to stop the gas and air, to stop breathing through the contractions, and to work with them, it was time to push!
But then my contractions stopped. I'd been in the water finally and was pushing hard over an over and suddenly they were gone. I was so tired I hardly know what happened, they said they were just going to check her position an give me a drip to get going again, then prepped me for a c-section, then doctors rushed in saying I needed ventouse to help pull her out, then did a forceps delivery...an she was fine an no one would say why she needed pulling out, they didn't even give the drip time to work and I had to be told when to push as I couldn't feel the contraction at all then. I do feel gutted that I didn't give birth to her myself, I was so ready an so prepared, I really wanted to do it, in the end I didn't even feel it because they numbed me so they could cut in an use forceps.
She was born at 9:55pm, weighing 6.7lb 18 hours after my water broke. She was put on me a second before taking her to be cleaned an weighed and heart rate checked. she'd been slimy, I don't even remember seeing her on me it was so brief. Then I couldn't hold her because i needed to be sewn up and the doctor insisted I breath gas an air 'properly' while he did it. So those first few moments are a blur to me.
After the doctors all left my mum and the midwife had to leave, I tried feeding her but the drip thingy in my hand made it hard to hold her,I complained a few times then had to wait ages after they agreed to take it out. But she was very sleepy, and wasn't interasted in feeding, and when she did she'd get upset because of her squished nose. I was told to let her sleep so she stayed in her crib by the hospital bed. i watched and listened to the whistling of her breathing and wanted some one to tell me i could feed her or hold her.
The worst thing after was the way every one kept saying she had a traumatic birth and that's why she wouldn't eat and was so tired. I felt so guilty. I've only recently been able to think about it with out sobbing with guilt and disappointment.
I'm glad I managed to keep at it though an had help when I got home, if it weren't for the team I may have ended up feeding her formula because the hospital kept saying she need to eat right away and I wasn't giving her enough, they kept me in 2nights but I insisted I wanted to go home and have the breastfeeding team take over helping me. The hospital was useless anyway, they just kept telling me I needed to feed her but didn't do anything to help me! In the end I dripped the colostrum straight into her mouth, and she ended up having a colostrum moustache!
I'm so glad that there's an on hand breastfeeding team here, they visit at home an come round if you need them, I had to have them round a few times as Gosling couldn't nurse with her nose squished and she barely ate for 3days, the hospital an health visitor were worried she'd loose too much weight an kept suggesting to add formula but the breastfeeding team were really supportive and encouraged me to keep at it, was so hard to get going though, an when my milk came in she still wasn't eating much so it got really full an painful!i had to call the BF team first thing, sobbing down the phone in a panice because she hadnt latched on all night, they told me they'd be round in an hour, i felt instantly reliefed knowing help was coming, so i wrapped Gosling up and cuddled her, then latched her on, no problem!
I don't like speaking to people about it cus I get all tearful and I hate being emotional in front of anyone. And Goslings fine now an gained plenty of weight so I wish I hadn't spent that time being worried , and everything will be so much easier with the next one just because I'll know what to expect. I had asked the hospital if they could make me a copy of my maternity notes but they said they couldn't. I did talk it over with Mr.Goose when he caught me crying a week after the birth and he told me her heart beat went up an down and she was forehead first so was stuck, that's why her nose was so squashed, which was why she'd had problems with feeding, she couldn't breath while eating and would get really upset. Apparently if I had pushed her out myself I probably would've had third degree tears so I guess I should be thankful my contractions stopped. But really I just feel like I missed out on giving birth, I don't think there are many women who look forward to giving birth but I had wanted to do it and experience it naturally an typically I got cheated out of it.
I've always wanted to give birth and have a baby and I feel like I got the baby but I'll have to wait a few more years to actually give birth!
This was written when I still felt ver hormonal and emotional about my experiance, I've ccome to terms with my mummy guilt, it wasnt my fault at all. And Gosling is still feeding at 21months! I felt like sharing this old wound, because i do think of it, not so much in an upset way anymore, but with a little determination, and worry. I want my next birth to go better, if all else fails, I at least want to remember it clearly and stare into my newborns eyes instead of watchinga sleeping baby in a plastic box and wondering if it was ok to feed her, if I'd wake her if I picked her up? I know how to love a baby now, what ever the out come of the birth is.
I wrote this originally just 2 months after the Birth, I hadn't spoken to anyone about how I really felt about it so it's a bit of an emotional rant, i will try to amend some bits though so hopefully it'll make more sense.
October 25 2010:
Thinking about mine still makes me cry in private. My water broke at 4am, we rushed to hospital, waited ages then got sent home and told it could be 36hrs! Typical waste of time that would've been spent sleeping. When we got home my contractions started, 5 minutes between them, not painful really, more like period pains, unless i sat/laid down. So i had to stand up pacing, and my water came every time I had a contraction! I got through several towels before i phoned my mum at 9am and she suggested nappys. It wasn't much later when my Partner woke up and asked me about the contractions, 3 minutes apart still just period pains, but he insisted we go to the hospital. I was breathing and focusing through my contractions so all time was lost on me, I have no idea how long we were at home, or how long we had to wait at the hospital to be seen, before being told I was only 2cm. they wanted me to go home but by that point i couldn't sit at all, sitting would cause an instant contraction, which was 10x more painful then the others. i insisted we stay, i paced, leaned over chairs, did strange hip wiggles, the pain was manageable, I just couldn't sit down! I kept asking for a birthing ball but was told they were all in use so I'd have to wait, I told them I'd had blood and they said they'd come look, they didn't. and I kept asking to go in the pool but they said not till I'm 5cm, I kept asking to be check because I was sure I was further along, they just said to wait. I was getting fed up and angry but asked all this very nicely, and because of that they didn't believe I was in active labour. Apparently you only get listened to if your screaming and swearing with each contraction.
My mother arrived in early afternoon, and my partner stepped out , just in time! I'd been dancing in and out of the bathroom unable to decide if i was too hot or too cold, and 'clearing' my system (eewww) when she arrived I relaxed, and then puked. My mother told the nurses that I was going through transition, they asked her if she was a midwife and she said no, so they just left us to it. I'd had enough and went out to shout at them, i was beyond angry at how uncaring the staff was, when i got to the desk however, I bumped into the midwife who runs PYPP, the young parents pre-natal group I'd been going to! I was so happy to see her and told her I needed looking at and I was sure I was past 5 and could I please please please go in the pool! She was very polite and said she had 2 women further along she needed to check, but she would come see me and take over my care, yeay! She said while I was waiting I could use the gas and air, and get in the bath. I tried the gas and air while my mum filled the bath and my partner kept saying 'pecanchuuuu' offering me pecan nuts. which was totally not funny at the time! The gas an air made me feel dizzy, but the bath was great, i finally got to rest after all that time on my feet, and my contractions spaced out to 'small contraction' 5mins break 'BIG contraction' 3 mins break, 'small contracion' ect, till I told my mum I wanted to push! she ran out to the midwife and she came to check me, warning me that from what the nurses had told her, and how long I'd been there, that i was probably only 5, but that's good because then i can get in the pool. Turns out i was a little over 9cm.
I wanted a waterbirth so they told me to use gas an air to slow things down and rest while they filled the pool, I worked my own system of breathing only half gas an air every other contraction. Then I was finally allowed in the pool, finally getting the birth i wanted after being ignored for hours! i got comfy, felt relaxed in the water with the gas and air making me almost sleep between the contractions, my midwife told me to stop the gas and air, to stop breathing through the contractions, and to work with them, it was time to push!
But then my contractions stopped. I'd been in the water finally and was pushing hard over an over and suddenly they were gone. I was so tired I hardly know what happened, they said they were just going to check her position an give me a drip to get going again, then prepped me for a c-section, then doctors rushed in saying I needed ventouse to help pull her out, then did a forceps delivery...an she was fine an no one would say why she needed pulling out, they didn't even give the drip time to work and I had to be told when to push as I couldn't feel the contraction at all then. I do feel gutted that I didn't give birth to her myself, I was so ready an so prepared, I really wanted to do it, in the end I didn't even feel it because they numbed me so they could cut in an use forceps.
She was born at 9:55pm, weighing 6.7lb 18 hours after my water broke. She was put on me a second before taking her to be cleaned an weighed and heart rate checked. she'd been slimy, I don't even remember seeing her on me it was so brief. Then I couldn't hold her because i needed to be sewn up and the doctor insisted I breath gas an air 'properly' while he did it. So those first few moments are a blur to me.After the doctors all left my mum and the midwife had to leave, I tried feeding her but the drip thingy in my hand made it hard to hold her,I complained a few times then had to wait ages after they agreed to take it out. But she was very sleepy, and wasn't interasted in feeding, and when she did she'd get upset because of her squished nose. I was told to let her sleep so she stayed in her crib by the hospital bed. i watched and listened to the whistling of her breathing and wanted some one to tell me i could feed her or hold her.
The worst thing after was the way every one kept saying she had a traumatic birth and that's why she wouldn't eat and was so tired. I felt so guilty. I've only recently been able to think about it with out sobbing with guilt and disappointment.
I'm glad I managed to keep at it though an had help when I got home, if it weren't for the team I may have ended up feeding her formula because the hospital kept saying she need to eat right away and I wasn't giving her enough, they kept me in 2nights but I insisted I wanted to go home and have the breastfeeding team take over helping me. The hospital was useless anyway, they just kept telling me I needed to feed her but didn't do anything to help me! In the end I dripped the colostrum straight into her mouth, and she ended up having a colostrum moustache!
I'm so glad that there's an on hand breastfeeding team here, they visit at home an come round if you need them, I had to have them round a few times as Gosling couldn't nurse with her nose squished and she barely ate for 3days, the hospital an health visitor were worried she'd loose too much weight an kept suggesting to add formula but the breastfeeding team were really supportive and encouraged me to keep at it, was so hard to get going though, an when my milk came in she still wasn't eating much so it got really full an painful!i had to call the BF team first thing, sobbing down the phone in a panice because she hadnt latched on all night, they told me they'd be round in an hour, i felt instantly reliefed knowing help was coming, so i wrapped Gosling up and cuddled her, then latched her on, no problem!
I don't like speaking to people about it cus I get all tearful and I hate being emotional in front of anyone. And Goslings fine now an gained plenty of weight so I wish I hadn't spent that time being worried , and everything will be so much easier with the next one just because I'll know what to expect. I had asked the hospital if they could make me a copy of my maternity notes but they said they couldn't. I did talk it over with Mr.Goose when he caught me crying a week after the birth and he told me her heart beat went up an down and she was forehead first so was stuck, that's why her nose was so squashed, which was why she'd had problems with feeding, she couldn't breath while eating and would get really upset. Apparently if I had pushed her out myself I probably would've had third degree tears so I guess I should be thankful my contractions stopped. But really I just feel like I missed out on giving birth, I don't think there are many women who look forward to giving birth but I had wanted to do it and experience it naturally an typically I got cheated out of it.
I've always wanted to give birth and have a baby and I feel like I got the baby but I'll have to wait a few more years to actually give birth!
This was written when I still felt ver hormonal and emotional about my experiance, I've ccome to terms with my mummy guilt, it wasnt my fault at all. And Gosling is still feeding at 21months! I felt like sharing this old wound, because i do think of it, not so much in an upset way anymore, but with a little determination, and worry. I want my next birth to go better, if all else fails, I at least want to remember it clearly and stare into my newborns eyes instead of watchinga sleeping baby in a plastic box and wondering if it was ok to feed her, if I'd wake her if I picked her up? I know how to love a baby now, what ever the out come of the birth is.
Wednesday 13 June 2012
TTC, science, or cervical mucus?
Busy busy!
We're officially TTC, I took my last pill on the first of the month. I've been using ovulation tests in hopes of getting pregnant without a period, I was lucky enough to do that by chance the last time we TTC, but this time i wanted to be prepared, and we are hoping for a boy!
Of course we'd love either sex, a girl would be handy as two sisters of close age can share a room when they're older, but having a boy would mean one of each! no pressure to have more, no worrying that we'll never have a boy.
Otherwise our next pregnancy/s we'll be desperately hoping for a boy, and secretly feeling guilty from disappointment each time its a girl. Sad but true, I love gosling more then anything in the world, but when her 20week scan revealed a girl, we hadn't expected it, and felt a low as a result, we'd been so sure we'd have a boy first, a big brother to look over his siblings.
Well, Goslings tough enough, she'll be a fab big sister!
We're officially TTC, I took my last pill on the first of the month. I've been using ovulation tests in hopes of getting pregnant without a period, I was lucky enough to do that by chance the last time we TTC, but this time i wanted to be prepared, and we are hoping for a boy!
Of course we'd love either sex, a girl would be handy as two sisters of close age can share a room when they're older, but having a boy would mean one of each! no pressure to have more, no worrying that we'll never have a boy.
Otherwise our next pregnancy/s we'll be desperately hoping for a boy, and secretly feeling guilty from disappointment each time its a girl. Sad but true, I love gosling more then anything in the world, but when her 20week scan revealed a girl, we hadn't expected it, and felt a low as a result, we'd been so sure we'd have a boy first, a big brother to look over his siblings.
Well, Goslings tough enough, she'll be a fab big sister!
So, ovultion tests. £20 for 7tests, with a possible 14days i could ovulate in. I'm not so good with maths but I'm sure thats not good odds. or good for the bank. And to add to confusion, I know what the body does at ovultion, i know what my cervical mucus will be like and how my cerivix will feel. Well, I've already had the the 'symptoms', but all tests have been negative. *sigh* So now its the age old question, to trust..
Science, or Cervical Mucus?
Now taking bets, and dieing to take a pregnancy test! I might crack and take one just 10days after ttc, and I'll definatly update with the results.
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