October!
My favorite time of the month! My birthday, a sling arriving, halloween, and oh, had CM, so could've concieved! Yet for all the things I could be excited I try not to be. and in an ironic twist, trying not to be excited make me feel depressed. But getting excited means dissapointment.
My birthday with my family so far and few close freinds, and Mr.Goose not being so good with suprises and such, its never as good as when your young. The sling might not fit, I found it so difficult to keep Gosling still for measurement. Halloween! so much loved but getting too old for just enjoying pissing it up with the few pub freinds I have. I miss proper childrens partys, but the youngesters are a bit too young to do proper games so just having a small party, I'm always nervous about hosting.
And TTC.
Last month, with my period 3 weeks late. 4 negative results, and no ovulation symptoms, I had to try so hard not to be excited or depressed. I'd feel achey or tired, excitment. test, negative, depression. I finally decide I had enough of being helpless and usless and depressed. So I went to a nurse for advice, how do I get ovulation on track? She started out optimistic when I told her I was 3 weeks late, which wasnt very thoughtful on her part. She told me I might be pregnant but too early for home tests. So needed me to take a test. Her attitude set off my excitment again, not soaring but fluttering hopefully, rising as we waited for the result. But it was negative, of course. I felt my hopes crash down and shatter when she told me there was nothing she could do to encourage ovulation and to just keep trying.
Trying? How the hell was I supposed to 'try' if I wasnt ovulating? My body was playing tricks and I hated it so much, I could just about handle getting periods, because well, I could 'try' next time. With partners stress at work and me running after a toddler, both tired, its hard to just 'keep trying' we couldnt do it every day in the off chance I might be ovulating. Despite wanting another baby we hadnt manage to 'up our game', we averaged once a week. I was relying on CM, side pangs, and timing, to try to get pregnant. So having no idea was so frustrating!!
When the nurse gave me her un-helpful advice I felt so useless. I left with a brave, numb face on, walking the back way home because I knew I was close to tears. My partner thought he was being supportive by phoning me while I was walking home. I shouldnt have answered because when he asked me how it went I just burst into tears. I felt so desolate. I know it sounds so dramatic but thats how it felt at the time. Like my body wouldnt work and I'd never get pregnant. My heart was aching for a baby and somehow I felt like the longer it takes the less likely I am to get it, like it was falling out of reach.
So this month, well. I had egg white streatchy CM. Only a day of it though. So we did 'try'. How long can |I wait before getting excited? Every time I feel the hope flutter I instantly feel dread about experiancing the dissapointment again. Its only been 4months, should be another 2 months before the pills even out my body anyway! So I know I shouldnt be getting so strung up about it already but I cant seem to help it.
Just fingers crossed I have a Cycle, pregnant or period, fingers crossed my body is doing something!
